Lost the fight!

As any good boxer will tell you, coming out of retirement is hard. Your out of shape, your rusty, and sometimes new rules have been added to the game. Well this food boxer has come out of retirement.

You know how when you start to diet its like the green light to everyone to start baking, and they are all like well I haven't baked in a while so...Yeah well why the hell did you wait till I told everyone I was on a diet again!?? I have even tried the, don't tell them and it will work better, approach; but bakers are like blood hounds they sniff dieters in the air. Its like they smell the fat as you exspell it from your body and they are like "Oh yes three pounds of butter should do it...butter!" all the while encircling their baking pans with their broom spoons and crackling laughter with their flying monkeys.

            I think, sometimes that my body has its own way of stopping my progress. I began by digging out my old exercise band. You know the one that is like three or four inches wide and half the size of you, the ones the show people effortlessly standing on and using to do bicep curls. I look at it and get all giddy that I will be able to use it. I get a little scared thinking that I will be standing on it and it will snap and I will punch myself in the face, so I put aside and decide that I need to clean house instead, and hey that’s exercise right.

            So as I clean, do laundry, mop, sweep and CRAP! I kick the freaking giant size box of diapers that my wonderful in-laws bought for us at Costco. I’m hopping down the hall screaming profanities in my head at the POS box, two year old repeats now. I finally ignore the pain and finish my chore list. I’m sitting on the toilet…potty break…when my son decides to join me. Why is it that when you are hurt your kids find it like they are a magnet to its metal only they can see? I scream, and yes pee harder. I look down and there pulsating under my child’s thirty pound body, yes its like he knew he was going to step on it so he shifted his weight to only that leg, it’s a David Blane type of magic that only kids and animals know how to do, is a discolored toe. Either A: I broke it, or B: it is way to cold in here and I am getting frost bite. Since it’s like 75 in the house I opt for A. Damn!

            Another query, why is it that the pain can be ignored until you look at it? The rest of the day and the following day I sit on the chair staring at the green rubber band thinking, maybe if the exercises Gods realize my good intentions they will grant me like a ten pound loss. Nope I gained…the Gods are cruel.