Hello and Welcome. My name is Sandra and today is the first day I share what my clothes can no longer hide. Than again they may not have been hiding it as well as I thought they did. I mean its no secret that I am over weight...I have been having people tell me how pretty I would be if I'd loose weight. I am a wife and Mother of a 5 year-old girl and 2 month- old boy. One of the happiest days of my life is when I realized that my daughter took after her tall, lean father. Have you ever heard the nursery rhyme "Jack Sprat?" Well I'm Jacks wife. Its not that I can't eat this or that, its just that my this and that stick around on my midsection a lot longer than most peoples. I guess the whole truth is I use food as a mask. But what am I masking?
I was a happy child...I think. I was happy eating, running around laughing and playing. At least I was till about sixth grade. Everyone changed. I changed. All my friends suddenly didn't want to be friends, they thought I was fat and immature. I was heavier but not fat...I don't think. I still liked myself then, hell I loved myself. But I found that when I ran the other kids would laugh at me, so I took to books. In books I could be anyone I wanted. I could be the one who got the boys, the one who traveled with Huck. In Seventh grade I found that I could fall in love, or become the girl that "walks in beauty." Unfortunately I became beauty trapped in a bag of bar-be-Que potato chips, followed by slice after slice of pizza, washed down by Pepsi, or Coke, quenched by chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk. On the weekends after a long kiss with Mary Jane I would swim with Little Debbie. I made excuses why I couldn't play sports, or why I was only giving 10% of my effort. I spent more time in the library with friends of other peoples imagination than on the field making friends of my own. Between 6th and 12th grade I gained to 230lbs. College was put on hold as I ventured the working force. However, I still gained the freshman 10, but gaining was always easy so easy I put on an extra 10 for the hell of it. I finished out the year with Cheetos puff balls, cookies and an extra 10lbs. By the end of the spring semester I was done with my first set of classes and 260lbs.
Fast-forward 9 years. I was in love, I was still 260lbs, but madly in love. I met the man of my dreams, unbeknown to me on the internet. My internet ad that caught said man was placed so lovingly by my grandchild pinning Mother. After a few months of computer and phone conversations we met in person. For me it was "love at first site." He was tall, thin, brown haired, blue eyed beauty. Everything was going my way.....I started to loose weight. I lost my apartment about 5 months later. I was homeless and in love. My love let me live at his house till I could come up with a place of my own. I started exercising with weights and walking. I lost 30lbs.
I was in my last semester of college, the first of my family to get an BA, when the weight stopped leaving my body. The pregnancy test was positive and I was scared and excited. at 32 weeks I was diagnosed as a Gestational Diabetic. I followed the diet and when my daughter was born fell madly in love. I decided losing weight was the best thing for me and my baby. I took the Depo shot so I didn't have to worry about pregnancy. Two years later I was planning my wedding, when I was hospitalized with ventricular tachycardia, and I gained 45lbs. By the time I finally belonged to my internet dream, my heart was being managed by drugs and the doctors were unsure what the problem was. I weighed 280lbs. Unable to exercise I realized I was 299lbs and gaining. I cried. I didn't want to leave my daughter Motherless, but I was fighting a losing battle.
Fast-forward 2 years. I miscarried. I wanted to give my wonderful husband another kid. I had given up on the dream of having four kids when I had to have a c-section with my daughter. I was due to have another heart ablation surgery when I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to lose weight first but I was still happy that I was having another baby, but it didn't last. Soon four months had passed and I was searching for a filler for the void that the lose left in my heart. Soon time was the filler and I was content and happy to start trying to lose weight again. 300lbs+. A year and two months later I had lost weight and was feeling great about it. 280lbs. But it stopped. 285lbs. I started to gain. WHY! I was pregnant.
10 months later I have a beautiful 5-year-old daughter and a 2 month-old son. I was a Diabetic with my sons pregnancy as well, and struggled from day to day. I never want to live like that again. My fingers hurt from poking them daily, and I was scared that I was hurting him as well as me when I would get a low Blood sugar or even a high one. So here I am on the verge of fighting food again. This time I want to win, this time losing would mean leaving my kids without a Mom and my husband a widow. This time its my turn to win!
